CityNews Canberra Feb 27 2019. KATHRYN VUKOVLJAK reports…
Vickie Hingston-Jones is an end-of-life doula who wants to talk about death and dying… over cake and coffee!
Photo: Holly Treadaway
TALKING about death can be difficult. It’s a conversation people are reluctant to have, yet it’s the one thing in life we all have in common and can’t avoid, says end-of-life doula Vickie Hingston-Jones.
“We don’t talk about death in our culture at all and I really believe we need to,” she says.
“People can be horrified at the idea of a conversation about death, and say they don’t want to think about it. But it’s so important.
“As an end-of-life doula, the more I do, the more I see how important it is.”
Whether decades in advance or in their final days, Vickie says her role is to help people to prepare for death.
“If we’re prepared, we can face death without fear,” she says.
“Being an end-of-life doula you can start off with health and move to ill health to dying to death, then on to practical things like dealing with the body, arranging the funeral and being with the family afterwards.
“Often I’ll talk to a family and ask, when you die do you want to be buried or cremated? And they might say, ‘I don’t care, I’ll be dead, it won’t matter’. And the family will say, ‘I thought you’d want this, or that’. And you get a whole dynamic opening up.
“Having the conversation prevents anxiety and arguments among the family once the person is gone – it’s a hard enough time but can be made so much worse if there’s unease about what they would have wanted.”
Vickie says she likes to speak to people well before they can even imagine the end of their life, and plans to run a series of death cafes to start the conversation over coffee and cake.
“Talking about death while we’re fit, young and healthy is healthy in itself,” she says.
“It pulls the dragon out from under the bed, you look it in the eye and see that it’s not that scary actually.”
End-of-life doula work can extend to supporting the family and helping people become involved in organising their own send-off, Vickie says.
There’s often far more scope for being involved in the funeral process than people realise, from keeping the body at home to natural burials.
“People don’t generally know the options for death care and funerals,” she says.
“We talk about writing your eulogy, putting your slideshow together, getting involved and that in turn helps to move from that space of rigid fear to a place of creating a really happy end to your life.
“The family can be involved, too; I love the idea of decorating coffins, working with seamstresses who make shrouds and volunteers who do flowers from people’s gardens. It can be so nurturing.
“You also don’t need to worry about what’s going to happen to the family because they’re engaged in the process, so they have somewhere to move to once the death has occured.”
Vickie says that doing this work has made her comfortable about her own end of life.
“I told my husband that I want to die at home, unless it’s totally impractical and I get hit by a bus,” she says.
“I have an idea in my head, I want there to be plenty of really good French champagne and some good cheese. Hopefully mine, because I make cheese. And I want there to be jazz playing, a nice breeze, and I told him I want our white curtains to flutter in the breeze. Then I realised I had plantation shutters put in and they’re not going to flutter in this vision I have!
“But you know, it’s a work in progress.”
Contact Vickie at hingston-jones.com.
Tender promises a cheaper way of saying goodbye
By Kathryn Vukovljak -
City News March 20, 2019
A CARING, community-run funeral parlour with lower-cost services could be coming to Canberra.
Vickie Hingston-Jones and Shane McWhinney… “There’s a spiritual and emotional element to being involved in farewelling your person, rather than handing it over to someone else.”
With the philosophy of reclaiming the rites around death, Tender Funerals says it gives families the option of looking after their loved one and helps them arrange a funeral and burial in whatever way they want.
From green burials and shrouds, flowers from the garden and day-long celebrations of life to more traditional services, it’s about knowing the options, say Shane McWhinney and Vickie Hingston-Jones.
Shane, who runs the FuneralPartner app, and Canberra doula Vickie are looking into bringing Tender Funerals here, starting with a public screening of the documentary “Tender” in Belconnen on March 29.
Vickie says the focus at this stage is to create interest, get government involved and find a location.
“It’s a community coming together to shepherd this thing forward and we’d love people to give us a hand,” she says.
Shane says that what Tender Funerals is doing is fundamentally different in a good way.
A not-for-profit charity already operating in Port Kembla, NSW, among its aims is to keep funeral costs down.
“Tender is not trying to make money, other than covering costs and sustaining itself, so its funerals can be a fraction of the price,” says Shane.
“When you’re looking at an average cost of $15,000 it can make a huge difference.
“It could be traditional, alternative or anything in between but we want the family to enjoy the experience and not come out of it either feeling ripped off or in debt.”
Taking money out of the equation also creates an entirely different experience, Shane says.
“This is one of life’s great moments, you want to get it right and you only get one chance to do it,” he says.
Bereaved families can be helped enormously by caring for their loved one themselves.
“We give the family the choice to be as involved as they want to be,” Shane says.
“We’ve heard from Tender that people might be appalled at being offered the opportunity to wash or dress the body, then 24 hours later, they’ll get in touch and say: ‘I’ve thought about it and I would like to do it’.
“They can also take the body home if they wish. Because it’s never usually offered, people don’t know what’s possible. When we reclaim this element of death, the mystery is taken away.”
Another major factor is creating a life-affirming funeral service. Vickie says that often they aren’t particularly engaging.
“I hear that people are counting down the minutes until the service is over, rather than connecting to it and honouring the person, which is what it should be,” she says.
“Even the location. The standard funeral is at the funeral home chapel or at the crematorium, but why not in the forest or by the lake or at the golf club?”
It used to be that the family took on the responsibility of preparing the body and other rituals around death, says Tender Funerals.
“I believe there’s a spiritual and emotional element to being involved in farewelling your person, rather than handing it over to someone else,” says Vickie.
“It’s a moment of heightened grief, anxiety and trauma, and you might want to just block it out and not have anything to do with it, but in actual fact if you are involved, it can be hugely valuable in the grieving process.”
Canberra death cafes recommended as way to improve end-of-life planning
By Elise Scott Posted Sun at 8:08amSun 21 Apr 2019, 8:08am
Most people spend their lives fighting against the topic of death.
Key points:
Photo: Vickie Hingston-Jones helps people navigate their final days. (ABC News: Andrew Kennedy)
End of Life doula Vickie Hingston-Jones is not one of them.
"I say that death is like the dragon under the bed, and when you pull it out and look it in the eye, [you] see it's not really that scary," she says.
"Nobody gets out of here alive."
Ms Hingston-Jones runs Canberra's occasional death cafes — places where strangers with no agenda meet up to talk about anything related to dying.They're designed to be casual conversations over coffee and cake, usually in a home or community space, and have spread across the world since their conception in Switzerland in 200 ."It's the really basic [questions] like what is it like to die, have you ever seen anybody die, have you been with a body, why are we so afraid of death, what can we do after we die, things about burial options," Ms Hingston-Jones said.
A recent Legislative Assembly inquiry into end-of-life choices in the ACT recommended the Government consider trialling funding for death cafes, including funding existing non-government groups that already run them.
It found there was a need in the ACT for improved "death literacy".
It heard "there currently exists a community-wide reluctance to engage in open and frank discussion of death, resulting in poor advance planning and poor outcomes for individuals and their loved ones".
The report made 24 recommendations, including an increased focus on palliative care and improved access to advanced care planning to articulate a person's preferences at the end of their life.
Ms Hingston-Smith said society lost its connection with death over time.
"Our great-grandmothers would have probably died at home and their bodies would have been cared for at home, but in modern times we sort of outsource that," she said.
"There's a fear of death because it's such a big unknown.
"I also think Hollywood has a lot to answer for because death is always portrayed as something really horrific, people get blown to bits or die in agony."
She said many people leave death cafes curious about the topic and able to discuss it further with friends and family.
'It's not for everybody'Grief counsellor Sonia Fenwick said death cafes were valuable to start conversations about dying, but there must be measures to ensure participants feel comfortable and safe.
"It's not for everyone [though], it can be quite confronting," she said.
Ms Fenwick said there should be rules around respect for different perspectives and care options for anyone who felt emotionally triggered by the conversations.
"There are different people from the community coming together without any background to their story so it's important, I think, for facilitators of a death cafe to establish some guidelines upfront," she said.
Natural burials on the rise
Natural burials are a more environmentally friendly way to be sent off and are becoming more popular.
Ms Fenwick also said there also needed to be a level of self-assessment for anyone experiencing grief or loss.
"It's not a bereavement support group," she said.
While Ms Hingston-Jones welcomed the inquiry's recommendation for government funding, she said she'd be concerned if that came with any regulation.
"I think you'd have to be very careful about how it's done," she said.
"Death cafes that I run are very organic and free-flowing and I wouldn't like to see that removed under the need for government regulation if there's public funding involved."
Death education just like sex educationMs Hingston-Jones said it was predominately older people who attend her death cafes, but believed young people should also be taught about death.
"We have sex education in schools, why not death education?" she said.
"They teach sex education on the hope that we might have sex one day, we might not, but we're definitely going to die."
Ms Fenwick said death should be normalised with children, but it must be age-appropriate.
"Certainly if children are asking about death, if they experience the death of a grandparent or a pet, then they're ready for the answers," she said.
By Elise Scott Posted Sun at 8:08amSun 21 Apr 2019, 8:08am
Most people spend their lives fighting against the topic of death.
Key points:
- Death cafes are informal gatherings where people can discuss death
- An ACT Government inquiry considered funding the initiative in order to improve death literacy
- Counsellors warn that guidelines for cafe conversations are needed to help participants feel comfortable and safe
Photo: Vickie Hingston-Jones helps people navigate their final days. (ABC News: Andrew Kennedy)
End of Life doula Vickie Hingston-Jones is not one of them.
"I say that death is like the dragon under the bed, and when you pull it out and look it in the eye, [you] see it's not really that scary," she says.
"Nobody gets out of here alive."
Ms Hingston-Jones runs Canberra's occasional death cafes — places where strangers with no agenda meet up to talk about anything related to dying.They're designed to be casual conversations over coffee and cake, usually in a home or community space, and have spread across the world since their conception in Switzerland in 200 ."It's the really basic [questions] like what is it like to die, have you ever seen anybody die, have you been with a body, why are we so afraid of death, what can we do after we die, things about burial options," Ms Hingston-Jones said.
A recent Legislative Assembly inquiry into end-of-life choices in the ACT recommended the Government consider trialling funding for death cafes, including funding existing non-government groups that already run them.
It found there was a need in the ACT for improved "death literacy".
It heard "there currently exists a community-wide reluctance to engage in open and frank discussion of death, resulting in poor advance planning and poor outcomes for individuals and their loved ones".
The report made 24 recommendations, including an increased focus on palliative care and improved access to advanced care planning to articulate a person's preferences at the end of their life.
Ms Hingston-Smith said society lost its connection with death over time.
"Our great-grandmothers would have probably died at home and their bodies would have been cared for at home, but in modern times we sort of outsource that," she said.
"There's a fear of death because it's such a big unknown.
"I also think Hollywood has a lot to answer for because death is always portrayed as something really horrific, people get blown to bits or die in agony."
She said many people leave death cafes curious about the topic and able to discuss it further with friends and family.
'It's not for everybody'Grief counsellor Sonia Fenwick said death cafes were valuable to start conversations about dying, but there must be measures to ensure participants feel comfortable and safe.
"It's not for everyone [though], it can be quite confronting," she said.
Ms Fenwick said there should be rules around respect for different perspectives and care options for anyone who felt emotionally triggered by the conversations.
"There are different people from the community coming together without any background to their story so it's important, I think, for facilitators of a death cafe to establish some guidelines upfront," she said.
Natural burials on the rise
Natural burials are a more environmentally friendly way to be sent off and are becoming more popular.
Ms Fenwick also said there also needed to be a level of self-assessment for anyone experiencing grief or loss.
"It's not a bereavement support group," she said.
While Ms Hingston-Jones welcomed the inquiry's recommendation for government funding, she said she'd be concerned if that came with any regulation.
"I think you'd have to be very careful about how it's done," she said.
"Death cafes that I run are very organic and free-flowing and I wouldn't like to see that removed under the need for government regulation if there's public funding involved."
Death education just like sex educationMs Hingston-Jones said it was predominately older people who attend her death cafes, but believed young people should also be taught about death.
"We have sex education in schools, why not death education?" she said.
"They teach sex education on the hope that we might have sex one day, we might not, but we're definitely going to die."
Ms Fenwick said death should be normalised with children, but it must be age-appropriate.
"Certainly if children are asking about death, if they experience the death of a grandparent or a pet, then they're ready for the answers," she said.